I’m Back!

I took a long break from writing. Mostly because having a small babe in the house takes up all of your time. Our little miracle is almost 16 months. It is crazy how fast time goes by. We have been loving every moment of it. I work from home still. It has been getting harder and harder because she has been taking more and more of my time. I try to get as much work in on the phones when she is napping, or when J can help out a little.
My days consist of waking up around 6:30/7 daily, seeing Bri off to school, getting  Pey up, dressed and fed, play time, nap time, lunch time, play time, dinner time, play time, bed time. I love being a mom to two beautiful daughters. I love it so much, J and I have decided to start our journey again with IVF to try to grow our family.

I started BC (birth control) last week and will be starting injections around the 26th of January. I go on on Friday for a baseline ultrasound, and J will have another semen analysis. I am hoping for all good news.
The first week of January we will go in to meet with the financial adviser to go over what insurance coverage we have this time around and what we will need to pay out of pocket. Since it will be the beginning of the year, and our deductible would not be reached, there will be a small about to be paid. Thankfully it will be a discounted price to do IVF. We are very blessed for that.

Since we are ready to start IVF again, I was thinking things would be easy, well for the emotional part. I was wrong though. It could be the birth control hormones trolling me, but I feel like everyone over the past week has been announcing that they are expecting. It is hard. There is still that heart ache. The part that you can’t conceive on your own like most couples. That you have to go through fertility treatments to try to get pregnant. I am really thankful that we have the option to do IVF. I am praying that this time works and we won’t have to do multiple cycles.
I am just not wanting more heartache.
J has been taking Q10 and FertilAid again. He has been taking them for a few weeks now and I have been taking an all natural prenatal vitamin. I hate taking pills, so the less I have to take, the better!

I am going to try to keep writing to keep you all updated. I have been keeping my instagram updated. At least I am good with that! I just have my hands full, in a good way 🙂

 

Until next time!

 

We have four growing strong

This weekend has been pretty good to me. I was able to keep my self busy with retail therapy. Yesterday afternoon I went out with my sister in law to get some things for Christmas presents. She was pretty worn out after a hour our two so we grabbed a late lunch and head back home. For the past few days I have been taking things easy, I decided to find a new show to watch on Netflix. I started to watch Scandal. It has me pulled in pretty good. I truly love the addicting TV shows. When I got home from shopping, I was able to squeeze an episode before my best friend called me to let me know she was ready for our girls night. I am glad that we got to go out together. We both have been through so much and we both really needed to get out of the house. I met her at her house and off we went to do more shopping! On the bright side, I was able to finish all of my shopping! That is a big stress reliever right there. I have all of the stocking stuffers and all of the last minute gifts. Now I just need to wrap up the rest of things. When Holl’s and I were at Kohls, we noticed they had a bunch of Juicy Couture purses, clutches, and wallets. (one thing about me, I love ANYTHING Juicy Couture, ANYTHING! My glasses are even Juicy Couture)
Holl and I both came across these black wallet clutches that were on sale. I feel in love with them. We both splurged and got the same one. I will be handing it over to Santa to put under the Christmas Tree though. I seriously can not wait to use it.

J has still been under the weather from his surgery and Bri is gone for the weekend. It has been a very “me” weekend. This Sunday happened to be the week I had to teach. I decided to teach on making Christ the center of their homes. What a great lesson to teach around Christmas. I found these cute chocolate ginger bread houses and tied a quote on them for the girls. I am very thankful that I teach these young girls. Being able to prepare lessons and teach them helps me become a more better person.

Just before church got over my phone started to ring and I had to silence it. I knew it was the Fertility Center calling me to go over my embryo report that I have been waiting for. Thankfully she left me a VM to go over my transfer time and how the embryo’s are doing. I go in Tuesday afternoon for transfer like anticipated. We have four 8 cell embryo’s that are going strong and one 5 cell. I am not sure if the 5 cell is going to make it, but I am extremely thankful that we have the four. What a blessing to have. I am praying that they all make it to Tuesday to full blastocyst. I am trying to stay very optimistic about this.

Six Fertilized

I got the call from the lab yesterday afternoon. She went over all of the numbers with me.

21 Eggs Eetrieved

12 Matured Eggs

6 Fertilized with ICSI

I was stressed about J’s number so I asked; 12million per ml & 25% motility

I was having a really hard time with these numbers because I felt like the last cycle that we did in September had a lot better numbers, I went through my blog post and wrote down the numbers to compare.

21 Retrieved

16 Mature

13 Fertilized

6 made it to day 3 (8cells)

2 made it to transfer.

I did have them tell me J’s count last time as well. I was under the impression that it was 11million per ml, but she told me over the phone that it was 13.6 million per ml and 28% motility.  So in all I feel like last cycle’s number’s we better all around. Why would this cycle be worse? I was having such a hard time.  I started to cry about it. I can just see this all failing and then we will not have anything to transfer. I started emailing one of my friends who has been going through the same thing. Secondary infertility, first ivf cylce failed, moved on to number two and is on her TWW. Her husband was taking Q10 as well for around 2 months. They transferred two perfect looking blastocyst. From what I remembered, she had a low amount of embryos as well. Talking to her made me feel a little bit better about things.

I have to teach a lesson at church tomorrow and I had a local print shop print off some handouts for me. I ran into one of my old coworkers daughter in law’s who told me who much she admires me for everything that I have been through. (She follows my journey on Instagram) She asked how I was doing and what the next steps are. It is truly nice to know that there are so many people out there rooting for J and I.

I moved Bri’s piano lesson’s to Friday and when I was there my mother in law sent me a text asking if I had heard from the lab. I wanted to break down all over again. I wrote down the numbers on a pice of paper while I was at work and took a picture of it so I can send it to family and friends. I sent it over to her and told her how scared I am about this cycle. We text back and forth about everything. She said “you know, all it takes is that one”  She was right. Why am I stressed so badly about only having six? Six is such a good number to have! even if they do not all make it, all we need is that one to turn into a perfect blastocyst. I have so much faith that is we transfer a perfect blastocyst, then we will have a positive cycle.

I will get my next report some time tomorrow to go over how the embryo’s are doing. It will truly be a blessing to hear that all six, maybe eight are at 8 cells. We will see. Till then I need to be patient, I need to have faith, and I need to trust the Lord.

Dėjà Vu! 21 Eggs retrieved

Egg retrieval went great this morning I was getting really bad anxiety when I checked in. J had to leave right after his semen collection to head to his reconstruction surgery on his nose. I asked my Aunt to pick me up, but she called me last minute saying she was unable to. I then called my grandma (who lives ten minutes away from my Dr’s Office) to come get me. I was scared that I was going to come out of anesthesia and no one will be there. I was nervous for J for his surgery. I would not be there with him. It was extremely scary for me. All of my thoughts were eating me alive. J gave me a kissed goodbye. Shortly after the anesthesiologist came and got me. He got my IV’s all ready and gave me some valium to relax. Oh, I felt better after he gave me the good stuff. I remember talking to the nurse about me drinking a Diet Coke after retrieval. Dr. G came and then I took the best nap ever. I woke up to Christmas music and was on cloud nine. I don’t think I was as loopy this time coming out than I was last time. I knew I had to wake my self up because I had to remember all of the numbers. They walked me into the recovery room while I waiting for my Grandma to come in and sit with me. Dr.G came in and said I did great. My numbers were the same as last time, 21! what a great number. I am very shocked that I produced the same amount. I talked to her about Q10 and FertilAid along with egg quality. She is pretty sure that this will do the trick. I even asked her if we can transfer 2 again, what we will. I am extremely thankful to be blessed with such a great doctor. Their staff is even amazing. The will call me in the morning with the report on how many eggs were mature, and how many were fertilized. I am anxious to hear the numbers! Since we are doing ICSI again, we will have a high number once more. Last time we had 13. I am praying that this cycle is it and we can end 2014 with a dream coming true.

My sweet Grandma picked up some lunch for us nearby and took me home. It was nice being able to spend some time with her. I truly have the best grandma out there.

Later my best friend came by to check up on me and brought me a Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate from Starbucks. It was pretty delightful. I am glad I was well taken care of.

I was also able to spend time with my sister in law most of the day. We just laid on the couch watching Netflix till J got home with his parents.

My poor hubby looked so out of it. His nose all taped up with bloody gauze. Even though I have been in pain, my husband has had it worse. I was all about making sure he was ok and taken care of. His mom and dad told me that they had him in recovery for over 2 hours because he had high blood pressure. They needed to make sure that he was stable before they let him go.

What a day, Egg retrieval and then J’s reconstructive surgery! I am extremely thankful that we both made it through the day. J’s day seam to be a lot more hectic than mine. I am glad he is home resting.
As for me, I have some cramps. Nothing like it was last time. I have been keeping hydrated as much as I can. The heating pad is once more my best friend and I also have some essential oils to help as well.

On the Tenth day of injections my true love gave to me..

Since it is Christmas time, I figured I would add some Holiday cheer to my blog. Today is the 10th day of my injections. I woke up to a big bruise on the right side of my stomach. Just as I was starting to think I have not bruised up that much compared to last time. I also remember my stomach stomach sticking out a lot more too. Well last night I noticed that I look like I was pregnant with a burrito. It has yet moved either! This morning my stomach was still poking out! I had to find one of my baggy shirts to wear with some leggings so I could be comfortable and look normal.
Lately I have been getting irritated with anything and everything. I just want to be left alone with no one talking or trying to touch me. Is that no much to ask? I get so irritated when J or Bri comes up and ask me something. My response: “I don’t know, figure it out on your own”  or “I don’t care, just do what ever”. I know, I am way cranky! Hello hormones taking over my soul.

This morning I went in to my day ten appointment to see where things were at. I have scheduled all of my appointments right after I drop Bri off at school so I can make it to work on time. Well today that did not happen. I got there 10 minutes early to be seen 40 minutes later. Usually an ultrasound and blood work take 15 minutes tops. I was out the door 5 minutes passed 9 and was late to work. Not my day. One top of that, I was late yesterday for an appointment that I spaced that was scheduled at 9:15

On the bright side, I have over 3 follicles over 18mm. The biggest one is at 22mm. I look pregnant, pregnant with follicles that is lol. My last blood work to look over my estrogen levels were around 24000. They go up 10% a day I believe. They need to be around 3500-4000 to trigger tonight. The nurse thinks everything should be spot on. I will get a call tonight with all the information I need. I am seriously looking forward to be able to get this done and over with.

Infertility is hard enough, going through two IVF cycles is just has bad. Some times I just don’t get why I have to do all of this to try to have a baby with J. Two in a half years of countless nights crying, praying to god asking “why”, depression, anger, envy, you name it, I have gone through it. I am ready to end this battle. I have learned to be happy with what I have around me. I am grateful for everything that has been placed into my life. I just pray that this cycle can start a new journey.

Day Four, the roller coaster begins

Today is my fourth day of injections. Menopur and Follistim are my best friends that greet me at 7:30am, NOT! All though they’re there, I wish I did not have to go through this all over again.

I have found my self very quite through this second cycle. I want to keep to my self about it. I have not really talked much about it, until today. I felt like I needed to speak up and let every one know that this is such a hard battle. I may seam like Super Women, but I am not. I am just me.

Our first IVF cycle I was very pumped about thing. I was finally going to be able to be pregnant! I thought for sure that it was going to work. I was super positive about things. I was very optimistic. Then J and I got the news that it did not work. What a world of hurt. We had 2 embryos transferred, our only 2 that made it. The idea of IVF failing and doing a FET was out the window.

We then met with our amazing doctor who broke things down for us. Right away I started back up on BC. Only a little over 2 weeks of a little pill every afternoon. I felt like the side effects where not that bad as last time. I did notice I was breaking out like a teenager. My last BCP was on Thanksgiving. How I was so excited and shouted with joy! (I hate taking pills)

Friday I went in for my baseline ultrasound. Everything looked great. The nurse did tell me that my lining was thin and to expect my period. I also had my blood work drawn to make sure me levels were where they needed to be to start injections. Sunday morning was my first day. I felt so out of it. I had to teach my class at church and all I wanted to do was climb into bed and nothing.  After church, I put on my pajamas and curled up on my couch and watched TV. I did not even want to move.

Monday was a little better. I felt like my self. My period did show up and made things a lot more fun for me. Cramps are the worst when you can only take Tylenol for pain. On top of that, I was getting bad head aches.

Tuesday I went into the doctors for more blood work. My levels are where they need to be. My dosage of medication will not change.

Wednesday/Today I feel a little pain. Menstrual cramps are out of the picture, now it is just the uncomfortable bloating pain from my ovaries. My stomach is slowing starting to puff out. I do not have any bruising, how ever I do have red dots all of my stomach from the shots.

My thoughts right now are all over the place. I don’t know how to feel about this cycle. I do not know if I should be excited like I was last time. I want to be pumped up. I also don’t want to be a Debby Downer and think that this wont work. Instead I just feel numb, like it is just something I am doing for the heck of it and I should not think anything of it. I question my self on if I should really be doing this. I am sure a lot of this is coming from my psychotic hormones. Thank you Menopur and Follistim for doing this to me! Gaaah.

I go back in on Friday for another ultrasound and more blood work. I will be starting Ganirelix some time the end of the week as well. Ganirelix is to make sure my body does not ovulate. That is a big NO during IVF. I will be going in every day this weekend. They need to keep a close eye on my levels and follicles. They need to be that perfect size in order to do my HCG Trigger Shot.  If all goes to plan like it did last cycle, I should be doing my Trigger Shot on Tuesday and then retrieval on Thursday the 11th.

I pray that this cycle works, I don’t want to do it all over again in another two months. This has been the worst emotional and physical thing to be dealing with. I want to be my self. I think if this cycle fails, it would be good to take a little break from things.

Whats next for IVF??

Happy Wednesday Funday! I have to say that Wednesday are my favorite, well kinda. It means it is half way through the week. Lately Wednesdays have been super busy for me. After I left work, I got Brianna from school and headed to our local Walmart to pick up pictures for a photo album I am making for my grandmother’s 80th birthday party on Saturday. I was home for maybe 30 minutes tops before J got home and we had to leave for our Dr appointment. Now it is time to relax for the next hour before I have to head out for a church activity.

I did not know what to expect with our appointment. J and I have been telling our self that we will wait till the beginning of the new year. Today is the first day for enrollment for insurance for 2015. We both agreed that we will find a new company with the same benefits or better.  We don’t think we have much left for another cycle. Our doctor thinks that we might have enough. She is going to have her RN look into it. Usually medications is covered under a different amount. We will find out next week what is left. J and I both agreed that we will pay out  of pocket up to $2,000, anything more we will just wait till January. I know it seams lame because most people pay out of pocket for IVF. We have the coverage though with his work and if it is more than $2,000, waiting till January will cost the same price with our deductions. If all goes well the way we planned then we will start birth control on my next cycle. It will be a fast one, so BC for two weeks (thank goodness) then on to stims.

Now since last cycle it seamed liked the embryos stopped developing at day 3, I ask our Dr what would cause that. She explained everything perfectly to us. J count was awesome! over 10mil 😀 yay! its been all the way down to 4mil. The thing is, the heath of the sperm is causing the embryo to stop developing. Our Dr gave J a list of things to start taking daily to increase the heath of them. J will start taking them now so if we do a cycle in December, they will be nice and ready. Same with January if that is the route we go. Either way, We are doing another cycle.

I really hope we have enough for this year. I would love to be able to jump right back in. I feel optimistic about this. being on BC for 2 weeks is nothing. Now 5 weeks is another story. That was too long!!!

We will know more next week what route we go. As for now, mine and J’s home work is to research policies for next year.

Gratitude fills the heart

I know it is half way through the week and I am finally writing about my weekend. It was pretty fulfilling. Thursday was the most heartbreaking day I have had in a long time. I cried all night long and if I think about what happened, I still want to cry. I still don’t fully understand why. I would of never thought that I would be that one who had IVF fail on the first try. Here I am though. I am one of those girls. I guess only the strong ones can handle this. Even though I feel weak to the knees, I know I can push through this. I have God, my Husband, my Family and my Friends to support me.

Friday J and I had a double date with his little sister and the guy she has been seeing. It was such a fun night. Something I really needed to do to get my mind off things. I laughed at so many jokes at the dinner table. After we had dinner, we went to a near by shopping center that does a witches night out every year. It has a lot of festivities to do. We walked around and did a scavenger hunt to find hidden things and took lots of pictures to remember the night we had.

Saturday I had one of my close friends wedding that I was a part of. She made me one of her Bridesmaids. I was delighted to be a part of her big day. It was a beautiful day. She got married in the Salt Lake Temple. She was a glowing bride.  I could not be more happy for her. They had their luncheon at the lion House what is right next to the Temple. I was in love with the interior design, and the food! Since it was a more of a dinner, I was satisfied with the amount of food I had. We barely had enough time to run to Walmart to pick up a wedding gift then head to the reception. Bri was able to sing to them in front of everyone. It was a dream come true. On our way home, she started saying how she was not good enough. This Brings me to my next topic. As you know, previously I teach 14 and 15 year old girls at church and the topic this week was on Gratitude. I have been thinking so much about it. I told Bri that she needs to be thankful that Danielle and McKay picked her to sing at their wedding, no one else! They wanted her! She needs to be thankful for that opportunity. I said other words too that made her think about the situation better.

Sunday I had my lesson. I have been such a wreck that I was not able to prepare it as well as I could. I slacked a lot. I put some thought into it and decided that I was going to have my girls watch the conference talk that President Dieter Uchtdorf gave. I bought each girl a Journal to keep and use as a Gratitude Journal. I passed them out in the beginning of class and told them I wanted them to take notes while listing to the talk. I wanted them to think about what the talk was on and the title of the talk. It was 20 minutes long so it took up most of the time I had to teach. After the talk was over we talked about the words that he said. It is such a powerful talk. He addresses a lot that we are mostly thankful for things after things fall into place the way we want it to, but how we are wrong. We need to be thankful in any circumstance. Of course it was more powerful in his own words! I talked to my girls about this and we made goals together. I told them how this week has been really hard for me. I did not go into detail. I told them I got the most devastating news that I did not want to hear. Even though I was in heart ache, I needed to show my father in heaven how grateful I was to have the opportunity to go through what I did. Even though it did not give me the out come I was expecting. Every day we need to show gratitude. No mater if we are in heart ache or we are in the happiest mood.

BFN

Yesterday was the most nerve racking day for me. I went into the doctors office at 8:30am to have my blood drawn for my pregnancy test. I had so many doubts. I tried to have faith, but it was so hard. I have been let down so many times I didnt even want to get my hopes up.

I got to work and I was fine until my boss came into the office and asked me to come into his office. He asked me how I was doing. I tried to be strong but I could not do it. Tears started running down my face. I sat on his couch in his office and told him how scared I was. I have worked for him for almost three years now and this is the third time he has seen me cry. I am a strong girl usually. Dealing with infertility, it is a different story. He gave me a pep talk and then I started to feel better.

I got home from work and picking Bri up from school and all I did was lay on my bed. I was so nervous and scared that I was going to get a call that says the test came back negative. They told me that they would call before 6pm with the results so this whole time I am laying on my bed watching the time pass by. I eventually had Jason turn on the TV in our room to keep my mind off things. My sister then came over. I invited her over prior to watch the Season 3 Episode 1 of The Arrow (if you have not seen it, watch it). The time was getting closer to 6pm and I was telling Jason how they should be calling! I have my phone blowing up with family and friends wanting to know what was going on. No kidding, 5:50pm my phone rings. It was the doctors office. Ashley, the RN was on the other line and she said the words “I am so sorry Amber, but it came back negative”. I started to cry. I was in so much heart ache and in a world of lost words. I had no idea what to say back. I was hurt. Even though I had doubts, I still wanted to hold on to my faith that it would work. I cried all night long. Till who knows what time. I tried to hold it together so I could tell my parents and my sisters.

Jason ended up getting dinner at a near by restaurant to bring home. Since I was a wreck, I had no motivation to cook or ever go anywhere. Bri wanted to have a picnic on the floor in the living room and watch tv while we ate dinner. So we ate and watched Arrow together. It was a nice break to get away from all of those emotions.

Some how in the mix of bawling my eyes out last night, I managed to get my right ear clogged! I have tried everything to get it to pop and nothing! I can not even hear out of my ear right now. I have tried oils, hydrogen peroxide, chewing gum, plugging my nose and blowing, warm compress on my ear, You name it! I still get nothing. It is the most annoying thing I can deal with right now.

This morning I started to go over my lesson I am preparing for my girls on Sunday. I decided the beginning of the week I was going to teach them a lesson on Gratitude. Who knew I would need this lesson this week more than anything. I decided to listen to the talk Dieter Uchtdorf gave called “Grateful in any Circumstances” What a great talk to listen to. I have to admit, I did tear up. He said towards the end, “There are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings”. Those words are what I needed to hear at this moment. This is not the end of the road. Just because this IVF cycle did not work, it does not mean it will never work. We must have faith and trust the Lord. We need to fill our hearts with gratitude on the things we have in this life. I am thankful that we have this opportunity to do a cycle of IVF. I am beyond thankful and blessed with the things that I have in this life. I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful to have this opportunity to share with everyone around me. I love you all!